Quick and Crazy: The No-Stress Holiday List

 Here’s a list of tips to help you avoid a frigging holiday breakdown:

            Shop online. A no-brainer. No wrecks getting hit in a parking lot while racing to get that one open space closest to the front of Wal-Mart, or head-on buggy collisions inside the store. Not to mention that fight over the last Force Awakens play set. And does it not piss you off when all you have in your buggy is fresh lettuce, a six-pack, Windex, and Vaseline and you proceed toward the express lane,15 items or less where there is like only one person checking out, and a prissy shopper with an overflowing buggy cuts in front of you? You think about taking that rude bitch down. You know you do.

My advice is to wait until late at night like Santa, find a quiet spot, make yourself a great drink, relax and take advantage of free shipping.

            Decorations. You have to decide how much time and effort you want to put into creating a festive mood. The more decorations you put up, the more you gotta take down and store someplace. Keep in mind that due to iPads and smartphones, few people will notice your decorations because it requires looking up. Tips: Live poinsettias are lovely and last a while, then you can dispose of them. No packing up and trying to haul them up attic stairs.

      Of course, the easiest way to decorate is outdoor lights, which you hang all over the exterior of your house and you leave the lights hanging there year round. Then just plug them in during Christmas time. No taking them down or storing them. #RedneckTip

 Holiday Cooking. If you love cooking, go for it. But if you don’t love it and you don’t want to clean up a huge mess or deal with some of the recipes that you labored over for hours not turning out so well, take the family out to eat. Much less hassle and the kids will prefer it. Or go someplace like KFC or Kroger and get you a big bucket of fried chicken or rotisserie chicken, sides, a pecan pie, bring it home, put it in serving dishes, set the table. Toss a little flour on your clothes, dampened your hairline with a wet towel, exhale a lot when you sit down at the table. Remember the iPads and the phones? They’ll never know the difference.

Yesterday, I was talking with a wonderful lady who is 89 years old and we were talking about cooking for Christmas. She was like “I’ve always cooked for Christmas, but, you know, I don’t think they appreciate it.” I encouraged having her family eat out for holiday and she said that is what she was thinking she would do. But it was sad to me to think she felt like that.

So I would like to conclude this by saying that whatever you do this season, do it with joy and love and appreciation.